For a long time now, i've considered myself to be different.
I prided myself in being one of those who don't really care about the rules. Who loves exploiting loop holes and walking on the gray area of what is deemed "correct" by society.
I never wanted a normal job. In fact... thinking of going to an office every morning seemed like a drag. I could never imagine having to do that all my life. Fuck that.
It is strange. I have always been one of the ones who knew that our happiness lies in our own hands. That nothing is written and that we have the power to change things at will and for our own benefit. We are the director and main character of this movie called life. - Did you have a good life when you die? Enough to make a movie from? -
Yet, it is even stranger... that knowing this... It still scares me to fully let go.
I know I shouldn't be affected by what others think... But it is almost impossible to disregard it. I do get affected by what others think. When I walk in to a room, I know people are watching, and I want them to think -Oh, hey hey, whos that hot successful-looking guy walking in- Not... - Oh, whos that tramp. What are they doing here.-
Going deeper -- Lets jump into someone elses shoes.
When a stranger walks in to the coffee place you are having your coffee in (if you don't drink coffee in coffee places then you are missing out on one of the good joys of life - but thats a subject for a another time).
You look at them. It may even be through the side of your eye. You may not even consioucly look at them. But you saw them, and have analysed them. This is a normal human trait we both have.
It takes you a second to "judge" them, for good, or for bad.
I don't like that word. JUDGE. but in this instance, I find it appropriate. I don't want you to think of the negative connotations this word brings, but see it as what we as humans do naturally. It is in our subconscious brains to look at changing habitats and the people in our environment. Instantly, we analyse them (as if we were still in the wild and they are a potential threat). The next step in our instinct is to judge them.
In an extension of that second of a thought, when you realize they are in here to get a coffee just like you are (and that their not a hungry lion), you have already "judged" them. Am I crazy? I am for sure not the only one to do this... Anyways... most of the times, it's just that... a second. And you would never look at this person again or think of them either. However, in some cases, you may have a second (this time voluntary consious) look. This time your "judgement" may take you a little further:
You may think their oddly dressed, or that they look upset, or observe a small tare in the jeans, or many other small things your unconscious brain just absorbs without your taking any effort off your conscious thoughts. What happens next? NOTHING. This is still all in your brain and you are still there waiting for your coffee to cool down because its too hot to drink. You may even look at them a third time as they are actually ordering, and realize their getting a piece of cheesecake. But then, after no more than 5 seconds, your brain will sharply return to your own thoughts. You won't say anything to this person -They are a stranger!- They will then simply walk off to sit down somewhere out of sight and you will NEVER think of that person again. By the time you have had 4 sips of your (now drinkable) cool coffee, you will have probably forgotten all about this stranger. This person who just passed by. If it was a person you found similar to another person you know, or you found some sort of attraction to, you may remember this stranger for a little longer. Nevertheless, the end result is always the same... you go back to your own life. We do this little dance in our heads with all the strangers our eyes meet. It takes only a few seconds. But we do it hundreds of times per day.
Now lets switch again and put our shoes back on.
When I walk in, I want everyones judgement of me to be positive. I want to bring a smile to the faces of the people. Some warmth. Or at least neutrality. Just for those few seconds that strangers see me... I want to make a positive impact on them. No matter how ever so slightly (as these are people who I don't interact with in this hypothetical case). WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH ALL THIS STRESS. And why?
Its ridiculous. We all know YOU CANT MAKE EVERYONE LIKE YOU. It's more than ridiculous, its ludicrous. Not only wanting strangers to like you, but wanting them to like you in their own mind when I won't even ever meet them.
I am the first one to say FUCK IMPRESSING STRANGERS... But then... my heart says otherwise sometimes.
This is something I need to work on.
Maybe that's why sometimes I overthink what to wear... and then end up wearing something completely unlikeme (i'm not sure if thats one word, but I like it and i'm keeping it that way ... ) orrrrrr I lean completely the other way and wear my classic clothes that I love and worn a million times (and are therefore a little ruggety).
Maybe?...
I am also aware that, the one who rises first gets the fish - or how you say it in spanish "El que madruga dios lo ayuda" which translates to "Whoever wakes up first, god helps" orrrr my all time favorite "Lady luck favors those who tries". ( more on this too in another post)
What does this mean? or, who does all of this tie up at the end and conclude...
Writing makes me happy. I'm not great at it (and I don't need to be)... but I always find myself with a broader vision of the world and calmer self when I do put my thoughts down on a page.
No one is reading this blog anyways... so...FUCK IT... who cares what I write??... Who cares what strangers think??? If they don't like my style, then NOTHING happens. It's better to do 10 posts that are 80/100 than one that's 98/100 (as 80 x 10 = 800 and 98 x 1 = 98 --- I love explaining basic shit sometimes).
Stop being a perfectionist with your writing and learn to let go. Lady luck favors those who try.
Comment below what you thought of all of this… or any thoughts on this page as a whole… or … whatever the fuck you want to say… just go for it (another of my life mottos).
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