Just came back from a walk. Alone. Through the picturesque city of Chania in the island of Crete.
It puts everything into perspective. Loneliness.
Nothing really matters much when you are lonely. Nothing is so important if you have no one to share it with.
It just makes you think, this walk...
No matter how successful you are, how interesting... If you have no one to share it with, no one to listen to your stories... then nothing makes much sense.
I got this feeling today when we were at a surf shop and I was buying a hoodie. The guy who was there, was the owner. He had his own brand "salty drop" from here from the island. He is a surfer -an old timer surfer- and his wife a graphic designer that does all the designs for the t-shirts and stuff. Their brand is pretty cool. The guy was not so interested in making money, he wanted someone to talk to. To tell his stories. Someone who'd listen. In a few minutes after I had already chosen the hoodie I wanted, tried it on and wanted to pay, he was telling me surf stories of Bali, and here in Crete how they had an epic wave that broke with perfect shape. How he had other surfer friends from Brazil who came and was completely surprised at how awesome the conditions were. How there are only 3 surf schools here, and no one really knows its a good spot. That he went surfing almost every day in August. Basically trying to convince me, or to convince himself how awesome his life is. By the end of it, he had even opened the surf forcast of the next days to show me and he was even slightly annoying. He has 2 shops here in Chania of his brand, both cool, and both are self sufficient so he can go surfing whenever he wants... But, when there is no waves, what he wants, is to be heard. He was around 50-55 and was really nice and quite cool, if I were in different circumstances i'd sit and talk with him a lot more...
He reminded me of another older guy who I'd met in a hostel about 2-3 weeks ago. An Italian of around 65-70. He was the owner of the hostel I was staying at in Tenerife. He told us about different companies he had started. How he was the first one to bring the Gucci underwear slips to Milan. How he had opened one of the most famous (even to this day) clubs in Milan. How he had met a bunch of celebrities and how he was in with the whole homosexual stars of Italy and went to all their secret parties when being gay was frowned upon and people hid it. He said a bunch of names and a bunch of places that to Marco (my Italian friend who I was with at the time) had some significance. This man was almost certainly very very rich. But there he was. Sitting in his (not so great) hostel lounge chatting with the youth. He said that the youth is what keeps his mind young, which makes sense... but again, I think he was there just to be heard. Have someone give him recognition for his life accomplishments... that were for sure very great... but to all of us there, meant nothing much.
I am having a bit of a fulfilment crisis. I don't know what it is... I have it all. More than all. Or at least everything I wanted a few years ago. I have met my goals faster than expected. I even surpassed them... and now I find myself... well... bored. Unfulfilled. I am finding it hard to fill my days in a way that makes me -not happy as I am almost always happy- but fulfilled. Maybe I should set new goals? The ones I had were not easy...
I am here with two great friends from high school (one who is literally my best friend and will be the best man at my wedding), we are doing cool adventures every day... We are going into beautiful beaches, hiking, eating delicious greek meals in small charismatic restaurants and getting drunk at night. Even smoking a little pot... But when the night comes, I feel the blues... and I can't pinpoint exactly why.
Could my feeling of loneliness be caused only by the lack of a woman? Could be...
I was with a fantastic girl for around one month whilst I was in Fuerteventura... but that ended up in a bit of a shit show... More recently, I met a really cool easy going blond rasta hippy german chick in a rave in Tenerife. We didn't have much time together, and I don't remember much of what we talked... I remember what I felt when I was with her. I don't know when or where, but I want to see her again some other place some other time. Maybe I anchor my happiness to the love of women? If I don't feel loved by one, I feel alone? Could be... but that would be a sad conclusion to arrive at. I don't necessarily believe this to be true, but, In any case, it is a good question to pose to myself and keep in mind.
So why aren't I fulfilled? Many hate their jobs, or don't have enough money to do the things they'd like, or want to do things but never dare to, or can't because they don't have the time, because they have to work, or look after someone else... I have all of that crap pretty well tied. Soooo ¿?
I feel ready to fall in love. I want it. I am done sleeping around with randoms just for sexual gratification. I've done that lots... lots. It's fun, lots of fun... but it's not what I want. Just to clarify... I don't usually do one night stands. I don't usually do relationships either. And the term "friends with benefits" im not particularly fond of. I like to refer to my experiences with girls as "stories". Because that is what they are. They have a start, a beautiful part where we both go crazy and then an end. It's not as cold as just banging. I like to spend time with them. I like to see them again and again and again. But then, I never really get to let go, to fully open up, to belong. But that's literally how my life has been all along, and in the end... I love it this way? Yes? Yes.
I am a person who knows a bit of everything, but nothing in particular. Who can do any sport well, but none great. A bit of a joker personality, that can fit in with any crowd from any place, but I don't really belong with any. I've lived (proper fully lived more than 1 year) in 4 countries, but I don't belong to any. I've travelled to 59 different countries and seen many cultures, but I have not yet found one that fully fits me that I can call my own. This all contributes to my being alone.
I just want to find that girl... the girl who also is passionate about travelling, also with an entrepreneurial spirit, who also works online, so we can go off together eating the planet. Who doesn't mind staying in shitty hostels sharing rooms, but also knows how to dress well and be elegant for fancy restaurants and gala parties. Who doesn't mind taking a 30 hour bus ride through south america for the experience, and then doesn't feel overwhelmed flying first class. Who's ambitious and has projects of her own. A girl who won't be my cheerleader, but my equal. I am looking for a queen, not a princess. The list goes on, but I think you get the gist of it. And Im just sooooo ready for her... but when you look for it, you don't find it. I have so much love to give, but cannot find the correct person to give it to.
Would I be more happy if I was making more money? Yes, probably. It would certainly give my confidence a boost... But I don't think my life would change so much... I've already made quite a lot of money, and I don't really enjoy spending in excess. It doesn't suit my personality. I think people over spend all the time on stupid shit they don't need and don't even really want (to impress others! how f*cking crazy are these people!) ... I already have everything I need and want. More money would be just be for the sake of being proud of how much I made... Which is also kind of... pointless and not fulfilling in the long term. Plus, I am sure more money is coming in the future... I am sure I will be a millionaire in due time because I have all the systems in place... but that's a topic for another day.
What about more fulfilling projects? Yes, at the moment my only income stream comes from e-commerce (which is awesome) and a little from stocks and crypto (which is not really an income stream, more like long term investments to not have my money laughing in the bank). I have a few other projects Im working on... But, not so much either. I am using most of my time in travel and adventure, which is... what I love the most. The mosttttt. But, maybe, if i'd calm down for a few months I could make another project take off and that would be fulfilling... right? I was messing around with NFTs, I also have another SAAS idea which is starting to take shape which could be f*cking awesome, but I don't want to talk about that too much as there is still a lot to be done.
Writing... writing makes me happy. It's my therapy. In fact, this blog is becoming quite personal... not really what I had envisioned for it, but f*ck it... It's mine and I like it this way.
I am writing a little e-book on personal finance, entrepreneurship and financial freedom as a way of life... It's coming out quite sexy. It's simple and easy to follow... It's for those who have no idea about money. They make it, but spend it or just don't know where it goes. For those people who are starting to work now, or have been working for a while, but have no control over their finance. Personal finance is the key to freedom (and thanks to me starting early and being well read on the topic, I can be super chilled and do whatever I want without worrying).
I think in the long term, i'd love to be a writer... But i'd like to write fiction. Real fiction -no martian space shit- ... Bukowski style. I'd like to write a novel called "some chicks" after the rolling stones album, were I write about some of the encounters i've had with women... But that would be a shit show of itself. I'd have to change every girls name, but if the people in my town read it, it'd take them 2 minutes to figure out who is who. Another funny idea would be to keep all the girls names the same and only change my name... use a fake author name instead of my own. That would be funny.
I'd love to be a writer... just travel, talk to people, and write. A blogger is kind of similar... but not really... at the moment 98% of what I write I keep to myself.
Even better than a writer, it would be (and this would have to be when im much older) to become a philosopher. And im not on the wrong road. I do have strong opinions of many things, I disagree with almost everything that the status quo vanilla people do, I think I live a better life than most people (even with this odd hits of loneliness), I don't necessarily follow the rules (only the ones I like or that I make), and I like to believe I am on my way to becoming my own version of Nietzsche's ubermensch...
In any case... writing is a great therapy. I feel much better already. I'd tell you all about Crete's beaches and beautiful Greek town and how amazing the people are... but that's not really what Ivan's planet is about... It's more about doing whatever you want. Don't misinterpret me either. I am so happy. A big part of overall happiness, is accepting sadness and loneliness when it comes. Feeling it, and letting it pass. Even enjoying its bitter taste at the end (like when you peel of a scab and it hurts a little but feels good). I must go now... Tomorrow we are waking up at 6:30 am to drive 2 hours to the other side of the island to go riding dune buggies through the mountains... Exciting times. Ahhh I love my life.
Some beach we went to had a river that (obviously) ended in the sea. This is a little bit up that river. That rock you see on the right was a fun one.
Mindfulness is super important for your emotional intelligence and mental health.
Do you ever question yourself? It's not enough to simply ask yourself the right questions, you must also want to know the answer. What do you struggle with? Let me know below or pop me a message. I love talking to you all x
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